Aren't You Hot? (2019)
Short Story by Bronte Cormican-Jones
Worn Collection
A lot can be learnt about a person from the way they take off their jumper. The speed with which they undergo such an action, for instance, may indicate their sensitivity to the heat or to the cold. Or perhaps it indicates their stubbornness of character.
I had a friend who never removed her jumper because he could never be bothered to do so and she preferred sweltering in her stubbornness to taking a step outside of her laziness. This friend of mine was widely known for her ‘always wearing her jumper regardless of the heat’ habits. That reputation, too, says something about her character in itself.
And then there are those who believe they have only a brief window of opportunity between the comfort and discomfort of wearing a jumper, as their body heat rises (before they have begun to noticeably sweat in the layer beneath, and after they’ve noticed that they are, in fact, too hot), in which they may remove their jumper in a comfortable manner and carry on with their day. But, you see, these people (usually the embarrassed type), if they’ve missed their slot and have begun to sweat in the layer underneath, choose to suffer inside their overheating burden of a jumper for fear that if they were to remove it, wet patches and their personal stench would be revealed to all. To wear or not to wear?
Another over-thinker, the considerate type of jumper remover, is the individual who chooses to time the act with his daily schedule so as not to disrupt others in carrying out the task. He will wait until the end of a class or meeting, make time between his appointments and be patient until a moment when it is convenient to not only himself but those around him before removing his jumper as if it was a task that required full attention, one that mustn’t clash with any other thing he has scheduled during his day.
Then there are the hyper-heat-sensitive and quite often impatient type too. They must remove their jumper when, and as soon as, the thought crosses their mind. The instant their body temperature has begun to creep slightly higher than its comfortable plus-or-minus-4°C range, they become very vocal, stating: “I need to remove my jumper. I am so hot!”. Quick. Remove the jumper. Now. And of course, these individuals are ready to complain about the cold as soon as that is on their mind as well.
The careful peeling from one arm, lifting over the head as to not disrupt the hair and/or makeup, and then peeling from the other arm in a fashion that ensures none of the jumper is left turned inside out – this is a favoured method by some. The twisty-turny, crossing arms over to pinch the base of the jumper and then lifting it up and over the head in what is sometimes a sensual and delicate manner, and sometimes a tangled spangle of arm and shoulder joints cocooned in knit fabric – this is quite popular too. The risk taker chooses it for the fun of not knowing whether the outcome will leave them looking impressively coordinated or like a right old mess. You can sense much masculine energy from the one who hunches their shoulders and lifts their jumper up and off, over their head, with only one hand grasping the back of their collar. And of course, there are the indecisive folk who remove their jumper only half-way and leave their arms resting in the sleeves.
Lesser masculine energy emerges from the slip of skin revealed when a wrestler wrenches off his jumper and accidentally takes his shirt with it. A quick tug of the base of the shirt and everything’s in order. The slippery shirt in place, and the jumper: off.
The face-pullers, the violent flailing arms, the yankers, the ones who do a little jumper-removing-dance, the sad individuals who have never really mastered the art and who second guess their methods, attempting to mash a few together each time. Perhaps they remove one arm and then change to lifting the rest of it off from the collar. Maybe they take both arms out and then still attempt the twisty-turning crossover pinch to no avail.
Some have heads so big, you wonder how they ever entered their jumper in the first place. Now they’re stuck tossing their jaw up and down. If they could only lift it over one ear they might be able to slide their head out sideways and breathe again. My advice? Don’t wear jumpers two sizes too small.
I’ve watched many a person catch their jewellery in their jumper. Their polished process of removal is halted and then their true character is revealed. Do they pause in motion, contorted so as not to snag their jumper or break a chain? Do they wriggle around, trying to unhook it? If the situation gets to out of hand, they may have to put their jumper all the way back on and start again.
There are a few who choose not to wear any other layers beneath their jumper. This mistake leaves them stuck in it all day so as to not show their bare upper bodies to their surroundings, but is a mistake easily made. A comfortable beginning to the day inside the cozy fleece. But soon, painfully you complain of the heat to those around you and when they suggest you just remove your jumper you are left with the choice of whether to explain your poor clothing decisions or to just reply with “ah, I’m not that hot, I guess.”
And post-removal is a rich demonstration of character as well. Fold, roll, bundle? Tie around the neck or waist? Squish and shove into a bag? Fling it over one shoulder or nurse it in one arm? I’ve even seen some ladies who think the solution is to tie theirs up and wear them as hats.
Was the act of removing the jumper an act of exposure? Has the remover discarded an unwanted layer, and post-op you’ve become aware of an open individual previously hiding? Was it a fearful abandonment of the layer that leaves a shy and scattered participant feeling voyeured or disliking their outfit? Maybe they’re unchanged in any way whatsoever. It is only the removal of a jumper after all.